I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
