Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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