just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If that was your dad, he is hot
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
