We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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