I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize