I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
