; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
