Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
