now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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