When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
