God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
