He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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