He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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