i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like iHOP with fire
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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