plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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