Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
