My cat gives me a boner
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
