She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
