apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
