Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
