Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
