like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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