He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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