I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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