I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
