I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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