so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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