cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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