Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
