East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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