meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
