I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
3pm strippers are depressing
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
