Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was confusing and full of hummus
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
