I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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