The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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