You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
