why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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