dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
