Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
