Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
