ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
