i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
