Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
