Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
