I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
