I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
