god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
