Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
