I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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