My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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