i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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