I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
