the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
