If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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