how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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