The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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