If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
the liver wants what the liver wants
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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