Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
